But WHY Is There A Groundhog In
by iluvromnce
Summary: This is the story i made for the challange Quotes Challange which i personally think is REALLY funny! Please check it out! Warning: pure and utter crack :D


**((This Story Was Written For This Challenge. Check It Out!))**

_**Topic: Quotes Challenges **_

**I've got bunnies. They won't leave me alone. So. Your challenge, write a fic including one or more of the following quotes or exchanges:**

CHARACTER 1: What are you eating?  
CHARACTER 2: Cottage cheese.  
CHARACTER 1: But that's a milk container  
CHARACTER 2: Yeah.  
CHARACTER 1: Cottage cheese doesn't come in a milk container.

"The electric pink really brings out the definition in my abs"

"But WHY is there a groundhog in...(insert item/place here)"

"Oh my God! I will do whatever you command, be your slave, a mere object which which you can do what you will, only don't send me away--I can't bear it--I cannot live without you." (From Venus in Furs)

"The real question is, why do I have nipples?" (make it a guy saying this, please)

"Class begins when I get my pants on." (An actual quote by my physics teacher, believe it or not)

"Dammit, (insert name), let go of my drawstring!

That's all for now. I may add more if any come to mind. You guys should contribute quotes, too! I think this is a fun challenge, and incredibly flexible.

Sirius Black was bored.

Very Bored.

And very very crazy things when Sirius Black is bored.

Sirius had been sitting on his bed trying to read _Which Broomstick_ for what seemed like_ AGES_, but was in fact only ten minutes. He was currently trying to pass the time between his classes, but, it was seriously not working.

Siriusly.

Realizing that this ingenious plan of passing the hour until next class by reading a magazine from three years ago was _just not going to work, _he got up off his bed and ran down the stairs to the common room.

When he arrived in the Common Room, he saw his three best friends sitting on chairs by the fire. Doing nothing. Looking bored.

'_Like ME!" _Sirius thought. He bounded up to his bestest buddies and shouted, "JAMSEY POO! REMMY BEAR! BO-PETE!"

"Bo-pete?" James said, "What the heck are you on that gave you THAT name?"

"No, no, no, my poor grasshopper," Sirius started, with a _I-am-a-ancient-philosepher-so-shut-up-and-listen-to-me_ look, (or at least what he_ thought_ was that look), "The real question is, why do I have nipples?"

"Well," Remus began, "Men have nipples because when an embryo is first formed, it has both X and Y chromosomes…"

"I think that was a rhetorical question, Remus" Peter, or as Sirius would say, "Bo-Pete", put in.

"Oh."

"Annyyyywayyy." James said, with a roll of his eyes, "What do you guys want to do. I'm bored."

"EHMAGAWD. I AM BORED TOO!!!" Sirius squealed, in a very high pitched voice.

Jamsey poo, Remmy bear, and Bo-Pete all flinched at the sound, covering their eyes.

"OH!" Peter said, "I have an idea!"

"Woah." Remus said, a bewildered look on his face, "Who knew that Petey actually got those things?"

"Is it terrible uncomfortable, mate?" James asked, "I can totally understand. Sometimes by brain hurts when I don't use it for a while, then all of a sudden one of those annoying _ideas_ come to you."

"Naw. I can handle it." Peter said, shaking it off with a wave of the hand, "Anyway. So, my idea is this; THE KITCHEN!" and as soon as the magical word _kitchen_ escape his lips, the boys began running off to the said destination.

Arriving there, in a somewhat dishevled state, the group walked in, after tickling the impish pear.

Immediately, a swarm of house eleves appeared, with the usual, "Hello, sirs, what may Tibby get for you?" or "Is there anything Lulu could get for kind sirs?" and even "Most distinguished and honorable sirs! Is there anything which resides on this Earth that Ganny could get for you?"

Several things where said by the group of boys, and all requests where immediately fulfilled.

The guys sat down at a miniature sized table near to them, and began to chow down. After spending several minutes in silence, simply eating and eating and eating, James looked up and saw Sirius eating. And eating. And eating.

It took a second for James to comprehend the situation, but then it dawned on him;

"What are you eating, Sirius?" he asked.

"Cottage cheese."

"But that's a milk container."

"Yeah." Sirius said, not affected at all by the statement, and still chowing down cottage cheese like no tommorow.

"Cottage Cheese doesn't come in a milk container." James protested.

"Oh. Well that's a novel concept." Sirius said, looking surprised. "Anyway, I'm not the one stuffing my face with pickles from a soda bottle."

"Oh." James said, and looked down. "Wait…so pickles don't normally come in soda bottles?"

"NO, STUPID!" Sirius shouted, "**_OBVIOUSLY_** they would come in vegetable crispers. Duh."

"Hmm. Well that makes no sense." James said, looking confused.

"STUPID PEOPLE." Remus shouted, now at the end of his tether. "COTTAGE CHEESE COMES IN A _COTTAGE CHEESE CONTAINER!_ PICKLES COME IN A _PICKLE JAR!_ **_HONESTLY_**- don't you two ever read?"

"Erm…" they said, looking at eachother, then simulatiniosly, "No. Unless PlayWizard counts."

"Okay, ew." Peter said.

"Oh, come on, Petey!" Sirius said, "Its not like you don't have your own little stash of them!"

Peter went slightly red in the face, and looked away, while mutturing under his breath.

The boys went back to eating in peace, before realizing that they were almost late to class by a very odd way.

Remus was done eating, and started walking around the kitchen, looking at different things.

He reached the very large, very grand, and very ancient Grandfather Clock, that was what the elves used so they would know when to prepare the food.

He was looking at it intently, when the other three boys heard a shouted, "OH MY GOD!!"

"WHAT IS IT REMMY? I'LL SAVE YOU!" Sirius shouted, and ran over to him.

"THERE IS A GROUNDHOG IN THIS CLOCK!"

"Well, that's awkward."

"But, WHY is there a groundhog in a Grandfather clock?" Remus said, sputtering at the absolute madness occuring.

"Well I expect its sleeping." Peter said, rationalizing the situation.

"Actually," James said, "I think it is an omen from otherwordly beings."

Remus stopped stairing. Peter stopping that painful thinking. Sirius stopped jumping up and down.

"_What?_" Remus said, "How in THIS world, could a _GROUNDHOG_ be an omen from OTHERworldy beings?"

"It's quite obvious, really." James said, smugly.

"And just how is it so OBVIOUS, Mr. Smarty Pants?" Remus asked, furiously.

"Well, by drawing our attention to this clock through the amazing-ness of a groundhog, the otherworldy beings were telling us a very important thing."

"And what's this important thing?" Sirius asked, curiously.

"Well, judging from my calculations, we are going to be late to potions in about…thirty eight seconds!"

"**_WHAT?!?_**" Remus shrieked.

In a mass of jumbling chaos, the boys ran from the room, and tore down the corridor.

It was lucky that potions was in fact quite close to the kitchens, because they were already half way to potions when the late bell rang.

_**BRRINNGGGGG.**_

"CRAPPP!" Remus shouted, "I'm LATE. REMUS JUPITER LUPIN IS NEVER LATE TO CLASS!!!"

The other three boys stopped in their tracks.

"Crap." Remus repeated, "I just said my middle name out loud didn't I?"

"JUPITER?" the boys squealed, shrieking with mirth.

"Shut up,you lot!" Remus screamed, turning a very very bright shade of red.

When the boys continued to laugh, Remus snapped, and he sent a spell to each of the boys.

Sirius was naked except for a speedo, and his skin was hot pink.

James was naked except for a speedo, and his skin was neon yellow.

Peter was naked except for a speedo, and his skin was neon orange.

Immediately the boys stopped laughing and the corridor got silent.

"You know, the electric pink really brings out the definiton in my abs." broke the silence.

Remus started pounding his had into the very hard stone wall nearest him.

"Might not want to do that buddy." James said.

"Yeah," Peter continued, "Wouldn't want Remus JUPITER Lupin to lose any of his world renown brains!!"

This sent the boys into another fit of laughter, which subsided about five minutes later.

"You guys do realise that we are still late to class." Remus said.

"So?" Sirius put in.

"Let's just go now." James said.

The boys walked down the hall and arrived at Slughorn's class.

James, who reached the door first, stopped suddenly, and each boy knocked into eachother, and fell to the ground, domino style.

"Ouch." Sirius observed, "What was that for?"

"You wouldn't happen to know the countercurse for this spell, would you Remus?" James asked.

"Oh. Well…" Remus said, "I, uh…seem to have…forgotten it?"

Peter narrowed his eyes, "You don't know the countercurse, do you?"

"Erm… 'don't know' is such a, uh…_liberal_ term…but when you get right down to it, I guess that's correct."

"Great." James said, "I get to walk into potions ten minutes late, wearing a speedo, and with neon yellow skin."

"Sounds good to me!" Remus said, with a weak smile.

"Well," said Sirius, as he stood up with mock bravery, "Lets do this thangggg, boys!" and pushed open the door.

The door made a rather noisey bang as it slammed against the potions room stone wall.

All noise inside the classroom stopped, as the people inside it were dumbstruck at the sight.

"Way to make an entrance, Sirius." James said, turning raher red (which clashed horribly with his yellow skin), "Wayyyy to make an entrance."

"I do try." Sirius said, and shook his hair out of his eyes.

"Why, hello!' Slughorn said, regaining his composure, "Misters Black, Potter, Lupin and Pettigrew! Why am I not surprised?"

"Well." Sirius said, "It's a long story."

"I imagined it might be." Slughorn said, with a genial grin. "But do tell, Mr. Black. I am _soooo_ interested!"

"It all started when I was passing time, waiting until this class began…" Sirius said, and detailed the long winded journey which he and his friends endured.

About thirty minutes later, the class was in silence again.

Who knew that the marauders were that…clueless?

"Well, I think there is a lesson to be learned here, don't you boys?" Slughorn asked them, still laughing from **The Groundhog Incident.**

"Of course!" Sirius piped up, "Cottage Cheese doesn't come in milk cartons!"

"Erm." Remus started, "I don't think that was the one he was looking for."

"Pickles come in pickle jars?" James suggusted.

"No."

"Always heed groundhogs in Grandfather Clocks?" Peter put in.

"NO."

"Never curse you friends so that they are practically naked with neon skin?"

"NO."

"Never—" Sirius began, but was cut off by Professor Sulghorn.

"While all those were excellent ideas, Remus is correct in saying that they were not lessons I had hoped you had learned. In fact, I was hoping that you would learn—" Slughorn was saying before he, too was cut off, this time by a girlish squeal that seemed to be emmiting from one Sirius Black.

"Mr. Black?" he questioned, "Is there something wrong?"

"Something was…was…PULLING ON THE DRAWSTRING OF MY SPEEDO!"

"Oh. My." Slughorn looked aghast, "That IS terrifying."

"AH!" Sirius screamed again, "IT'S DOING IT AGAIN!!!"

Everyone was staring at the drawstring of Sirius's speedo.

Which wasn't even moving.

"Erm." James began, "Nothings happening, mate."

"Just wait…" Sirius said, "It'll get me when you least expect it…"

Everyone was staring intently, waiting for something to happen.

A minutes passed in silence, and people were beginning to lose interest, when suddenly…

"AAH! DAMMIT, O CURSED DEMON WHICH HAS THE SOLE PURPOSE OF DOING ME HARM, LET GO OF MY DRAWSTRING!"

Sirius was _siriusly _losing it.

No one else saw ANYTHING happening to the drawstring.

"Dude, there is NOTHING going on with your drawsting, Paddy." James said.

"I know!" Sirius said brightly, as he popped out of the 'trance' that he had assumed after the last attack of the demon-which-had-the-sole-purpose-of-doing-him-harm, "But I got you guys! You were staring at my balls for _ages._"

"Oh." Gasped James.

"My." Whispered Peter.

"MERLIN!" shouted Remus.

"YOU DID ALL THAT JUST TO GET US TO LOOK AT YOUR BALLS?" Remus shouted, quite loudly.

"Erm." Sirius said, pretending to ponder the question, "Pretty much, yeah."

"You need serious mental therapy."

"I second that."

"Me too."

"I wholeheartedly agree."

"No, you silly gooses!" Sirius said, "I already have _SIRIUS_ therapy!" and collapsed into a fit of rather girlish giggles.

"Its geese." Remus mumbled.

"Leave it to Remmy bear to point out my grammaticle errors."

"Stuff it, Sirius."

"Okay, Ladies and Gentlemen!" Slughorn shouted, over the hubbub that had ensued after the rather terrifying experience. "Class will begin momentarily!"

As Slughorn walked up the eisles back to his desk, Sirius, figuring that he hadn't done _quite enough damage already,_ sent a spell towards Slughorn.

Instantly, the rather…_tubby_…proffesor was wearing a speedo and had neon orange skin.

"AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

The scream of terror emitted by the students could be heard echoing throughout the castle.

Slughorn turned rather red and immediately transigured his clothes and skin back to the way they were.

"Hmmph!" he said, "Class begins when I get my pants on! And Mr. Black!"

"Ermm…yes?"

"Leave."

"NOO!"

"Leave. This. Class. Now." Slughorn enunciated, clearly furious.

"Oh my God! I will do whatever you command, be your slave, a mere object which which you can do what you will, only don't send me away--I can't bear it--I cannot live without you!"

The class was silenced again.

It sure sounded like Sirius was professing his love for their overweight potions teacher.

"Wow…" Sirius said, "**_That_** didn't come out exactly like I planned."

"Sirius Orion Black." Slughorn began…before he burst out laughing.

"Yes?"

"Nevermind. Just sit down." Slughorn said, still laughing, "Let's just begin this class!"

A/N- Well. I think that was rather funny. To my sense of humor, at least. What do you guys think? Please review!


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